My View of Llanview: February 28 Edition

(SoapOperaNetwork.com) — “One Life to Live” recently took to the scriptures with regards to the the new rivalry between Kelly and Natalie — the “scriptures of pie” this is, evoking the sacred Pie Commandment that “Thou shalt send a pie to your enemies as a peace offering.”

What’s that? Pie scriptures and commandments you say? Yes, and I agree that it does sound silly, which is exactly the point I am trying to make. To think that having drunken sex with the ex-fiancé of the sister of one of your best friends can be easily forgiven with a lemon meringue pie and a card is ridiculous even for “One Life to Live.” It doesn’t matter if it is one of Noelle’s (where the heck is she anyway?) award-winning pies; it’s a slap in the face to the person you are trying to apologize to. Although one good thing did come out of it….Kelly shoving the the pie in Joey’s clueless face did get a few slight chuckles out of me. And not the same kind of reaction I get every time I hear Echo refer to the increasing dimwitted Charlie by that name. In Joey’s case however, I’m surprised he even realized he had just been hit with a pie, considering how dumbed down the character has become lately.

This is not the only example of how stupid plot twists have become recently on “OLTL.” Just a few weeks ago Ford tried to bust a move while dressed in a giant hot dog costume, which looked oddly like the dancing banana from the “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” Youtube videos. And throw in some bad wiener jokes by both Langston and Ford, and I was left “relishing” in thoughts of just how bad the writing on this show can be — sorry, couldn’t resist. But not all of these moments were bad. Marty holding a baby doll, and later an empty blanket, claiming it was her child with John and how much it looked just like him, was priceless.

One storyline that has surprisingly turned out fairly decent at the moment involves Ford and Tess. While it seems these days Jessica’s very fragile emotional state shatters a drop of the hat and it doesn’t take much more than a hangnail for Tess to regain control, it has been most entertaining watching her constantly insult Ford. Someone on the writing staff at “One Life to Live” must hate the character as much as most of the people who watch the show. If this what the show brought Tess back for, then I vote to keep her around for awhile. Now if we could just get someone to do the same thing to James and Nate.

Speaking of James, is it just me, or have he and Starr basically been having the same conversation over and over again for a couple of weeks now? It seems like each time they talk, they just paraphrase and rehash their conversation from the previous episode. And what was with the flashbacks? To remind us how boring they have been since day one?

Something else that has been bugging me is how no one seems to really scold Todd when he acts like a complete and total jackass, which is pretty much all the time these days. Oh sure Téa and others may yell and fuss at him from time to time, but most people seem to just let him get away with it. He’s worse than a spoiled little kid; at least they still have a conscious that helps them realize right and wrong,  plus you can teach them a lesson. Todd just does whatever he wants, to whomever he wants, whenever he feels the urge to. If I had been Viki I would have slapped the hell out of him when he acted so rude to her the other day while she was frantically searching for Jessica. No wonder his kids don’t want anything to do with him.

Which brings me to my last rant…the bullying storyline involving Jack and Shane. My initial optimism that this storyline might be at least half-way decent was quickly shattered last week when I watched as Shane was bullied by a geeky little boy and girl that were half his height and age (at it least that’s what it looked like anyway). It was like watching two midgets picking on a giant. And the new Jack wasn’t very impressive either. Perhaps it was the actor’s first day jitters, but I’m not so sure.  And those spoiler pictures of Jack and Shane from last Tuesday’s episode looked like anything but Shane being scared of Jack.   I dare anyone (especially those who stay spoiler free) to say they were at all shocked by the revelation that Jack was Shane’s bully. I mean, after all, it wasn’t hard to figure out, especially when we saw on Shane’s computer that the person sending him threatening messages on “MyFace” was using the screen name “WhoDaMann.” Subtly is not “One Life to Live’s” strong suit, after all…

Not to make light of someone being bullied, but every time I heard the Jack and those other kids calling him “Weezy” the other day, all I could think was George Jefferson’s wife Louise on “The Jeffersons.” Also, I think that picking on the kid for having asthma is a bit far-fetched, although I did read the other day that it happened to Jessica Alba when she was growing up. But still, there are plenty of other things that they could have picked on Shane about, like the fact that his mother’s hairdo makes her resemble Justin Bieber, or that his dad is a doofus, but no… It’s sad to think that Shane is a Buchanan now. Matthew, Joey, Jessica, Cord, Kevin, David, and Natalie are all his cousins. Now that is almost as scary as Matthew nearly having Dorian for a sister-in-law (twice I might add), which almost made Bo and Nora her father and stepmother-in-law. Only in Llanview…

One last thing…I am still enjoying the not-so-subtle hints that maybe Trevor St. John isn’t really playing Todd Manning after all. Two of the most recent comments involved Téa calling him a “new Todd,” and Dani telling Starr that their dad won’t change unless aliens took out his brain and made him a new person.

Moving on, congratulations to “Ange Hertz,” who correctly identified last time’s mystery “OLTL” celebrity guest star as Dr. Ruth Westheimer who, in 1992, tried to change the brainy Egyptologist Mortimer Bern into evil genius Carlo Hesser at the request of the power hungry Alex Olanov.

In case you missed the clues, here they are:

This pint-sized sex shrink stopped by Llanview in 1992 to help pump up the ego of an evil villain’s mild mannered twin at the request of his girlfriend.

Now it’s time to play another round of “Llanview, Who Am I?,” a new feature where you have to use the clues to figure out the identity of some mystery celebrity guest stars from “OLTL’s” past. See if you can figure it out. Good luck!!!

Llanview turned red in 2004 when Al presented Marcie with a very special Valentine’s Day treat, which included a performance by her favorite band.

So who is this mystery group from the past?  I’ll have the answers in the March 15th edition of My View of Llanview. And don’t forget to check out my Twitter page for all the latest “OLTL” news and information at SON.

Now, before I wrap up this column, I’m going to look into my crystal ball and give you a quick sneak peek at a few things coming up a few weeks down the road. These are for the week of March 7th.  One person’s past is investigated.  A mother goes to drastic lengths to protect her child.  And someone is fired from their job.

Well that’s concludes yet another column. Hope everyone is doing well, and enjoying the warmer weather.  It is refreshing to know that spring is just around the corner. And until next time remember, we only have “One Life to Live”…

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  • The Jefferesons
  • Jessica Alba
  • Justin Bieber

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